Good Morning!

Ok, so full disclosure, my third baby is a "Covid baby".

I was 40 years old when I found out I was pregnant. My husband was scheduled for a vasectomy which was cancelled due to Covid. We were done. I was done. I was mentally and physically finished with babyhood. We had given away everything, donated all my maternity clothes and we were ready for the next chapter of our lives.

When I found out I was devastated. I think I paced around the house for a few hours crying and swearing...

For some people, the pee stick is a blessing, it is a miracle, and I know it must be hard to understand why I would not want another baby. My husband was elated, he had wanted another one but knew that I didn't. All the same he was very supportive of my feelings and he is a wonderful hands-on dad.

I was just starting to get my life back, my sense of self, my "old me". My kids were old enough to start doing for themselves and I could finally start to relax. My oldest is 10 and my second is 8. I was happy and content with my girl and boy and looking forward to rediscovering myself. Then the boom dropped and I saw my freedom go out the window. I wish I could say I handled it well. I was shocked and so depressed for months. I had a hard time coming to terms with the idea of "starting over". I don't think I fully processed it until month 9, even then I was dreading the delivery and was terrified that I was going to resent my baby boy. It sounds selfish and horrible but I couldn't help how I felt.

Of course, now that he is here, and 16 months old, I love him to death and I can't imagine life without him. I still mourn my loss of freedom and I will have to wait a few more years to find me again, but his smile makes it all worth it.

It is a whole new ballgame in your 40's; you don't have the energy you once had and the lack of sleep hurts, but it is possible.

This is my William: